He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
