After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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