K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This is classic penis vs brain.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize
