I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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