you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
