she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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