Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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