Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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