I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize