I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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