He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
