im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
