My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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