I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
even my farts smell like vagina
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
