I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
