My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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