someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
