I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
