So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
