I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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