the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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