Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
