I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
