I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
