Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize