last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
