its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
