I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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