A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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