his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
