Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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