so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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