So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she peed on how many people?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
