I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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