On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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