I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
