It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
