I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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