I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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