I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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