my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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