Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
