I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I sprained my soul last night
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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