Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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