Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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