maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am midnight drunk by noon
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
