you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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