Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
