But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am midnight drunk by noon
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
