3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
