I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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