my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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