You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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