dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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