Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
