Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
