If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
