im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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