Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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