Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
